This blog is just going to start where I am in life today, as I go on I will share my past but since I think I am the only one  seeing this, I am just going to write- I am going to cry out to God. Tonight is especially difficult...have you ever been in a situation where you question if that is where you should remain? Let me clarify- the bible states that a husband and wife are supposed to be equally yoked, that a man and woman should not live together before marriage, no sex before marriage, no children out of wedlock. I am doing EVERY SINGLE ONE of the previously mentioned sins. I have been living with "him" for the last 5.5 years, he has been a father to my oldest son, "him" loves me and my son and our new son. I have absolutely no doubt about that whatsoever, the things I have put "him" through are terrible, I would not have stayed with me, but "him" did. Now  "him" and I have another child together, and I have since been saved and baptized and have started this journey to become closer to God. "Him" is not the first man I have lived with, yet "him" is the first man that I feel convicted about living with yet I am still lacking the faith in God to take care of me and my boys, I still feel that I must take care of my children, and to do that I must have "him" because I am not capable of providing. This makes me feel AWFUL! My heart knows and believes God will always take care of us and provide, and I have had personal experiences when He always does, I have literally had groceries from God, but my head can't fully take that leap. What if I don't make it, my kids are going to suffer, and I can't do it because if I leave "him" and I fail then does God fail me?
    Now stay with me, I know this is CRAZY, God is perfect, and I know He is faithful, and He is good, and He can't fail, but this stupid part of me feels like I am still the one in control, which is ridiculous because I totally have the worst track record ever. I know the bible says to test God in some ways (I have not read the bible in it's entirety, nor do I claim to know it by heart) I feel like the father in Matthew-  "I do believe, help me with my unbelief"
     "Him" loves us, but is it enough? Is this the life God is calling me to? "Him" doesn't share my beliefs, "him" doesn't make me feel cherished as of late, yet  "him" provides for us, and maybe he is distant because I have physically cut him off until we are married. I can't move out with the kids, I don't work- where would we go? I feel like I have forced him into proposing to me, after about 4 weeks straight of nagging, "him" woke me up in the middle of the night (after 5 years) and simply asked me if I would marry him. At first I honestly thought it was some mean joke, I literally almost told "him" he was mean, then I saw his eyes and said yes. We didn't have a ring because we didn't have money, so my mom gave me her grandma's ring, I gave it to him (about 6 weeks later) to give to me, and "him" just handed it right back. Now we have a marriage license because I begged and gave "him" a deadline. We have 60 days- I told "him" I am done, if he wants to be my husband he has to do it arrange the wedding, and it crushes my heart. How unromantic and forced is that?
    Oh God, what am I doing? Is this where You want me to be, am I to marry "him"? I desire a husband to pray with me and go to church with us and lead our household. I love "him" Lord, please change and soften his heart. I truly want to trust in You, I want to be obedient, and follow Your will, not my own. Lord, I need You, I can't do this, please let me hear You, draw near to me and let me know what to do. Direct my heart, please Jesus, my heart is a liar and it is so selfish. Change my heart Jesus, make it more like yours, give me courage and strength and peace. And above all else, let me be the mother You want me to be to the children You have given me. In Jesus heavenly name, Amen.