Why when I get upset, mad or worried do I instantly run from God? Why is my first thought not to run towards Him but instead to panic? To think I am doing this on my own and it is all up to me ?Why is it so easy to forget that He loves me and is here? Why do I hate feeling like a child, when I have done something wrong, do I instantly want to punish the person pointing out my wrong doing? Why do I always doubt my upcoming marriage every time we have disagreement? I need some serious Jesus in my life because I am a mess!

My instant knee jerk reaction every time we get into an argument is to think that it is over, or that we should not be getting married, that I am making a big mistake once again. There have been so many times in my life where I have followed my own heart and not what God has commanded and it has turned out horribly. Along the way recently, some well meaning Christians have given me some advice that was not so great. It was all that the enemy needed to plant that seed of doubt. Seriously, every argument seems monumental now, our wedding is in 38 days and if each of the days is not harmonious, I am questioning the union. I know this man loves me, I know he loves my children...the problem is me. I don't trust myself to actually be doing something that is right, something that is obedient to God, and so I am forever trying to mess it up. Or maybe I am trying to show God why what I think is His plan is wrong. That I am the one exception... super ridiculous! I am not that important first of all, and if I believe that this upcoming union is what God wants then I need to have much more faith in it. I need to know that I can not mess it up. I don't want to mess it up, I have just done so many stupid things in my past that my stupid nature is to do those dumb things.

That previous statement was a HUGE self talk lie!

At this point right now I don't know what to do, I am completely confused and have no idea what is going to happen with us, will we get married or not, but I do know that God is faithful and He is good, He is with me and will never leave me...I must hold on to this truth always

I have an addictive personality, I have a history of getting really obsessed with something, then quickly losing interest in it within a matter of weeks. And when I get turned on to something, I go all out, become extremely frivolous and purchase everything that I can think of that is related to my new obsession. I have started multiple craft projects, I bags of scrapbooking stickers, pages and stamps. I have bags of photo paper, and a wireless printer that has special apps on it for photography, I got a touchscreen desktop and enrolled in school to become a graphic designer specializing in photography, I got the school's craft kit, Adobe Master Suite Collection 5.5, and a $6K student loan- I dropped out after the second quarter, sold the computer, and the rest of the items are sitting in a box in my dining room. When I first found God I got this obsession again, I decided that I must read bible, but that in order to do that I had to purchase and buy about 20 books related to the bible, as well as check out 30 or so more on Christian life and being a Christian. (I have yet to complete a single book, started quite a few though) I downloaded the Bible app and started 3 different reading plans, I am behind on every single one. I bought all the worship songs and albums that I knew, I started 2 different bible studies. I downloaded 50+ sermon podcasts and sermon videos. Then I prayed and prayed that God wouldn't let this be just a phase, like everything else. I set out to get closer to God, to walk with Him and grow in my relationship with Jesus. To let Christ be in charge of my life and to follow Him, for my heart to be changed by the Holy Spirit. I thought I had to approach this like a hobby, like it was something learned, like I had to earn my salvation and learn how to "be" Christian. I set out to do it on my own, negating the cross, because I didn't know any different. God is patient and requires one thing only- to ask Him to forgive our sins, to ask Him to come into our hearts and to believe and proclaim that Jesus is His son, Jesus died on the cross for our sins and rose from grave and lives in heaven. That is what you have to do for your salvation, then God begins changing you, and it's awesome.
            I am not a recovering drug addict, mother of 2 and fiancé to an amazing man because of my own works, because when I try to do things in my life it generally fails or fades out. But God did what I asked of Him, He gave me His grace and forgiveness and His Spirit and slowly but surely I am being made new. My desires are changing, I may not have finished any of the books but I have read more of the bible now than I have ever read before and I am hungry to read more. The bible is God's words to us, I heard the pastor at my church call the bible "God's love letter to His church". My heart loves God more than it ever has before, I desire to please Him and I realize that my sins hurt Him also. I am different, I am better, because of God. Thank you Jesus for making me new and continuing to bless me, love me and lead me! In Jesus name, Amen.

This blog is just going to start where I am in life today, as I go on I will share my past but since I think I am the only one  seeing this, I am just going to write- I am going to cry out to God. Tonight is especially difficult...have you ever been in a situation where you question if that is where you should remain? Let me clarify- the bible states that a husband and wife are supposed to be equally yoked, that a man and woman should not live together before marriage, no sex before marriage, no children out of wedlock. I am doing EVERY SINGLE ONE of the previously mentioned sins. I have been living with "him" for the last 5.5 years, he has been a father to my oldest son, "him" loves me and my son and our new son. I have absolutely no doubt about that whatsoever, the things I have put "him" through are terrible, I would not have stayed with me, but "him" did. Now  "him" and I have another child together, and I have since been saved and baptized and have started this journey to become closer to God. "Him" is not the first man I have lived with, yet "him" is the first man that I feel convicted about living with yet I am still lacking the faith in God to take care of me and my boys, I still feel that I must take care of my children, and to do that I must have "him" because I am not capable of providing. This makes me feel AWFUL! My heart knows and believes God will always take care of us and provide, and I have had personal experiences when He always does, I have literally had groceries from God, but my head can't fully take that leap. What if I don't make it, my kids are going to suffer, and I can't do it because if I leave "him" and I fail then does God fail me?
    Now stay with me, I know this is CRAZY, God is perfect, and I know He is faithful, and He is good, and He can't fail, but this stupid part of me feels like I am still the one in control, which is ridiculous because I totally have the worst track record ever. I know the bible says to test God in some ways (I have not read the bible in it's entirety, nor do I claim to know it by heart) I feel like the father in Matthew-  "I do believe, help me with my unbelief"
     "Him" loves us, but is it enough? Is this the life God is calling me to? "Him" doesn't share my beliefs, "him" doesn't make me feel cherished as of late, yet  "him" provides for us, and maybe he is distant because I have physically cut him off until we are married. I can't move out with the kids, I don't work- where would we go? I feel like I have forced him into proposing to me, after about 4 weeks straight of nagging, "him" woke me up in the middle of the night (after 5 years) and simply asked me if I would marry him. At first I honestly thought it was some mean joke, I literally almost told "him" he was mean, then I saw his eyes and said yes. We didn't have a ring because we didn't have money, so my mom gave me her grandma's ring, I gave it to him (about 6 weeks later) to give to me, and "him" just handed it right back. Now we have a marriage license because I begged and gave "him" a deadline. We have 60 days- I told "him" I am done, if he wants to be my husband he has to do it arrange the wedding, and it crushes my heart. How unromantic and forced is that?
    Oh God, what am I doing? Is this where You want me to be, am I to marry "him"? I desire a husband to pray with me and go to church with us and lead our household. I love "him" Lord, please change and soften his heart. I truly want to trust in You, I want to be obedient, and follow Your will, not my own. Lord, I need You, I can't do this, please let me hear You, draw near to me and let me know what to do. Direct my heart, please Jesus, my heart is a liar and it is so selfish. Change my heart Jesus, make it more like yours, give me courage and strength and peace. And above all else, let me be the mother You want me to be to the children You have given me. In Jesus heavenly name, Amen.

      I am going to journal about my walk with God, about how my Heavenly Father is changing my heart and my thoughts one day at a time. I have always been one of those over achiever people. I will get super excited about one thing and go completely overboard. I will immerse myself entirely into whatever has sparked my interest, I have always been looking to fill that void in my soul that I often didn't even know was there. I guess it started in middle school, I started smoking weed to fit in with the "cool" kids, and discovered this awesome escape that I didn't even know I was searching for. You see I never started doing drugs, or running from my current reality, knowing that I was trying to escape. My life wasn't "bad", plenty of people had it worse than I did. I really didn't have anything to complain about- my parents had finally gotten divorced (since most of the other kid's parents were divorced I thought that this was normal and shouldn't bother me) we had a house and I had the cool clothes, I got straight A's for the most part, I had a family that loved me and didn't hurt me, etc. etc. Yet somehow I completely lost myself over a period of 15 years, spiraling and lying and getting worse and worse without even realizing it. At the end of my using I will admit fear, I was scared, I knew that I was in over my head yet there was no way I could EVER admit it and ask for help- I was stronger than that! When my family showed up to intervene I was actually relieved, lying was so hard, everything was slipping and I knew I was dying. I went to rehab, I struggled when I got out, and I struggled hard, because for the first time I would not turn to drugs but I still had these crazy emotions that I didn't know how to deal with so I started turning to meetings, and people (mostly men), I started replacing my drugs with other people and things, anything to keep myself from dealing with the reality of all that I had done, all of those I had hurt.

      That is where I lost it, I was about 5 months pregnant with my second son and just had this day. You know the one, where everything you see is a reminder of what a failure you are and what kind of person are you to actually think you can be different or bring another child into the world? Yeah, amplify that by pregnancy hormones and I was tormented by the enemy, sobbing on the couch. My boyfriend came home for lunch (I will get to the fact that we were living together later, I am totally convicted of it, our wedding can't come soon enough) and just said "oh honey, you're just pregnant" totally invalidating my feelings and making me feel more hopeless. Luckily my sister told me to listen to our local Christian radio station, she said "you just need some worship" So that is what I did, then a fire got lit inside of me. I looked up The Village Church on iTunes (that is what my father and my second mom listen too) and found a podcast about prayer and listened.
  
     My whole life I believed in God, I honestly can say there was no point I could say I didn't believe until that day. I left rehab and everything was supposed to be different, right? Except nothing was different except me being sober. All of the problems were still there, and I was sober and I felt more alone than I ever had before. I questioned God's existence, I didn't believe the prayers I said with my oldest son every night at bedtime, I never read the bible or went to church because I seriously thought it might all be a big lie... until that day. I listened to that podcast and found out it was ok to call out to God and tell Him I felt like he deserted me, and that is just what I did, in a big heaping pile on my couch I yelled at God. I yelled at Him, asking why He left me, why I couldn't I feel Him anymore? And God, being faithful and good, showed up and FLOODED me with love, and this is where my story will begin...I am only 9 months into my walk with God but He is changing me everyday, He is so so so amazing and trustworthy, and I want to journal it. I want to give the glory to God, because it is His, I have not become who I am on my own, but through Him, I am constantly changing, becoming better, becoming who God created me to be