Why when I get upset, mad or worried do I instantly run from God? Why is my first thought not to run towards Him but instead to panic? To think I am doing this on my own and it is all up to me ?Why is it so easy to forget that He loves me and is here? Why do I hate feeling like a child, when I have done something wrong, do I instantly want to punish the person pointing out my wrong doing? Why do I always doubt my upcoming marriage every time we have disagreement? I need some serious Jesus in my life because I am a mess!

My instant knee jerk reaction every time we get into an argument is to think that it is over, or that we should not be getting married, that I am making a big mistake once again. There have been so many times in my life where I have followed my own heart and not what God has commanded and it has turned out horribly. Along the way recently, some well meaning Christians have given me some advice that was not so great. It was all that the enemy needed to plant that seed of doubt. Seriously, every argument seems monumental now, our wedding is in 38 days and if each of the days is not harmonious, I am questioning the union. I know this man loves me, I know he loves my children...the problem is me. I don't trust myself to actually be doing something that is right, something that is obedient to God, and so I am forever trying to mess it up. Or maybe I am trying to show God why what I think is His plan is wrong. That I am the one exception... super ridiculous! I am not that important first of all, and if I believe that this upcoming union is what God wants then I need to have much more faith in it. I need to know that I can not mess it up. I don't want to mess it up, I have just done so many stupid things in my past that my stupid nature is to do those dumb things.

That previous statement was a HUGE self talk lie!

At this point right now I don't know what to do, I am completely confused and have no idea what is going to happen with us, will we get married or not, but I do know that God is faithful and He is good, He is with me and will never leave me...I must hold on to this truth always